I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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