She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
