i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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