Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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