she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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