someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
