I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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