I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
