I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
