hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
