I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
