Dude my mom stole all your condoms
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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