Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
