I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
