just tell him i said nine months
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
