i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
