Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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