Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Randomize
