I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
