Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
