why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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