My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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