Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
