I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
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