My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
