I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
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You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I deserve this hangover.
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