I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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