I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
