you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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