I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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