I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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