I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
