All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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