Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
