she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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