I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
