I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
