I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
sex in a hospital.. check
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
