My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
