i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
