I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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