why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
