grandma shit on top of the toilet
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
