I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We had to coat check the pizza.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
