You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
