I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
