you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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