Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
