i wish my penis had a tongue
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
