So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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