I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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