If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
