Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
