that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
