I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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