Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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