Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
