My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
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I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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