I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
