I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
