Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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