I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
