i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
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He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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